THE BIG TENT ?

Trying to understand Canadian Conservatives today is a lot like understanding an iceberg. You see some of it clearly and above the surface and you think, "yeah, that's it … I've got it. I understand what an iceberg is." But, of course, most of the iceberg is below the surface, menacing, dangerous and beyond what we can see. I'm pretty sure the captain of the Titanic thought he understood icebergs before that fateful voyage in April of 1912: how did that work out for him?

Conservatives like to refer to themselves as a "big tent." The meaning is pretty clear. The big tent has plenty of room for everyone, no matter who you are. It sounds inviting, doesn't it ? Lots of nice people, gathering together, keeping warm, sharing some stories and laughs. Rather like a great big sleep-over.

Well, let's open the flaps of this big tent and see who's inside.

The notion of the "big tent" began to take shape in Canada with the merger of the old Progressive Conservative party and the upstart Reform Party in the 1990's. The former party was fairly traditional, popular with many Canadians, mostly because of its rather oxymoronic name. How you could combine "progressive" and "conservative" into one phrase defies logic, but somehow, the PC's managed to make it work. It was the party of John Diefenbaker, Robert Stanfield, Joe Clark, John Robarts and Bill Davis. Bland, dull and steady, they formed governments that, mostly, worked well. But they weren't conservative enough for many in western Canada, who were tired of the PC's losing more than they were winning. Hence, the birth of the Reform Party of Preston Manning, Stockwell Day and Stephen Harper. But there was a problem: as long as two conservative parties ran candidates in federal elections, the Liberals cleaned up. So, conservatives did what they do best: they had a nasty internal civil war in which the Reformers beat up the PC's and created the new and quite successful Conservative Party of Canada (CPC), inviting Reformers and PC's and anyone else who wanted to join their "big tent". Who came in?

Traditional capitalists and the business class are in there. No surprise here: going back to the days of

Sir John A. Macdonald and the original Conservative Party, the business class has had their interests looked after by politicians on the political right. Business favours politicians who don't rock the boat, who are steady and unchanging, and who generally believe that government should get out of the way of business and let economy chug along unhindered, or at least with a minimum amount of political interference. Yes, capitalists are in the big tent.

But look ! Alongside the business class are rural Canadians, those noble folk who till the land and tame the beasts and provide us with our food. Living out in the hinterland, they have always been conservative in nature out of suspicion of city slickers, fast talkers and flesh merchants. Actually, rural Canadians have legitimate grievances against their urban cousins, mainly because they are outnumbered by the city folk, and because they feel urbanites don't pay attention to their concerns. Farmers have always been in the big tent, and they always will be.

Let's see … who else? Ah, religious fundamentalists are here too, mostly Christian, but not exclusively so. Well, God and Jesus must've been conservative, right? Well, not Jesus surely …. a bit of a radical. Oh wait, we're not talking about the actual Jesus of the New Testament, we're talking about the Jesus of evangelicals. Those who don't need any intermediary to understand the will of God because God actually talks to them. Evangelicals have a complete monopoly on morality and proper behavior and shrink away from liberals, intellectuals and non-believers as though they were Satan himself. Gays and transgendered people are obviously sinners and the spawn of the devil. Minorities are inferior because they don't look like the pictures of the Jesus that THEY see: pale white skin, blondish hair, blue eyes, smiling despite the wounds. Yep, religious fundamentalists are in there all right.

And lookee this ! Xenophobes are here. Like their evangelical cousins, they don't like people who don't look, sound, act or think like them. Forget about the possibility that other ideas or cultures might be rich and beautiful: if it's different, they don't want it. They don't understand how people can be different. Xenophobes do NOT want minorities to be in the big tent, but understand that some of them have to be there because they might vote conservative for various (mostly economic) reasons: just keep them in a different corner of the tent, please.

There's something moving in the darkest corner. Ah, we can see them: militarists, gun lovers, militia members, lonely men who can't get laid, violent video game players. There they are, skulking in the shadows of the tent. Why are they here? No one else would have them, and they can't stay in their parents' basement forever. The big tent has mostly males anyway, so, as long as they don't have to interact with the few women or minorities, they're happy to stay there and play until they get really angry and decide to shoot something: hopefully, just on their video games.

Are there any women in the tent? Well, look around and you'll see …. lots of men. Wait, there's a

woman …. and over there, another one. Oh, and a few more scattered here and there. Hmmm, they don't seem happy somehow. More like "content" to be here. As long as there are strong, wise men, these women are content to be here, making about 80% of the money the men make, letting the men decide all the nasty stuff regarding reproductive rights because these women hate their own nasty bodies and don't want to get upset having to decide all that stuff. Besides, the tent needs some hostesses to serve drinks and food, right?

Who else do we have ? Well, over by the big group of capitalists are workers who look up to their bosses because they believe that, one day, these workers will be bosses too, or at least rich when their stock portfolios finally pay off. No unions for these folks ! And even if they don't become the next Donald Trump, it doesn't matter: they've got jobs and are just thankful to have them. Um, they still have jobs, don't they ? Oh, the jobs are going oversees ? Or taken over by machines ? Ah, who wants to work anyway? Their stock portfolios are just about due to come in big.

Hmm, we've seen enough of this. Time to get out of the tent and get some air. Why?

Because modern Canadian Conservativism isn't a big tent after all.

It's a hot mess.