INTO THE DARKNESS

I became a fan of Anthony Bourdain the first time I saw him on tv. It was an early episode of "Parts Unknown", his travel show on CNN. I think what attracted me to his persona was the irreverent and brash character. He was unafraid to use profanity when the situation called for it. He was honest about what he was experiencing. He seemed to jump into the situation fully and without reservation. He reminded me of …. well, in many ways … me.

Bourdain's show was a mish-mash of several things. Obviously, it was a travel show. He and his crew visited several locations, some familiar and comfortable, others rare and even dangerous. He was utterly fearless about travel. Secondly, it was ( also obviously ) a show about food. Bourdain was one of those strange creatures that have emerged from the primeval mass of modern television known as a "celebrity chef". To be honest, I never watched Bourdain cook very often on tv. He was more of a "foodie", although he hated that term. He loved food, but didn't fall into the trap of trying to find new, elaborate or poetic ways to describe it: it was either bad or good … if you got an "oh yeah, this is good" from him, you knew you'd done very well. Thirdly, and for me, most importantly, his show was a form of creative journalism. In many episodes, he tackled issues that were serious, deep-rooted, and often divisive. Again, he was utterly fearless in this. Some of his most memorable episodes were filmed in Iran, Israel/Palestine, Vietnam, Cuba, and the Congo …. not exactly on most Americans' bucket lists. He didn't care. He went there because they were difficult places and shone a light on the things that Americans had done to them, and to show that these people were, after everything was said and done, human.

I read his book "Kitchen Confidential" and thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it. Friends of mine who were chefs assured me that Bourdain had nailed their craft perfectly. The book showed the rough underbelly of the world of cuisine, all its dark secrets, all its vulgar characters, all its passions and all its dangers. It remains, for me, one of the best books I've read in recent years, and I encourage all to pick it up and read it.

Bourdain committed suicide yesterday in France at the age of 61. When I read this, I was initially shocked, then saddened, then vaguely understanding. Bourdain always projected an image of slight darkness, a feeling that it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge. He admitted to having demons: his battles with drugs and alcohol were well known. But he seemed to, at least on the surface, be happy. He had success, a family ( although he'd gone through a recent divorce ), and had gotten himself fit and healthy with strenuous martial arts work-outs. He had much to live for. But like Robin Williams, several musicians, Wade Belak and several hockey players, the pain became too much and the suffering had to end.

Years ago, I lost a friend and respected colleague to suicide. Although I hadn't seen him in quite some time, I and the rest of us who knew him had no idea what he was struggling with. The reality was hidden by a smile and a sense of humour as big as the world.

If you are struggling, don't feel as though you have to endure this alone. Reach out and talk to someone. Do it now. You are not alone, nobody ever is. Do not go into the darkness.